It's been a while!
My beautiful blog has been a little neglected as of late. I've been in full on Transformation mode with my gorgeous memebers of The Gratitude Transformation. The girls in the group have been blowing me away with their honesty and growth.. And it's only been two weeks!
Inspired by the lovely break throughs girls have been having while writing their letters to their future self, I’ve decided to send a letter to my past. The good, the painful and the insecure.. Here goes.
Yes, I said beautiful. I bet you can’t imagine thinking of yourself that way now can you? But you are. When people say it, it’s because they mean it, not because they’re being polite and insincere like you believe. No one is noticing the ‘imperfections’ you catch in the mirror. No one is ridiculing you. Stop changing and hiding behind your hair, grow it out (it’s ridiculously thick and a gorgeous colour under all that bleach).
Love your body now, as it is. You will spend YEARS trying to change it. Even when you lose weight or tone up a little you'll keep pushing yourself and it will never be good enough in your eyes. You even cry when you get your wedding photos back because you think you look chubby. You don't. You look just like you, perfect.
Until you carry your little baby girl in your belly, you won't realise how much you adore the skin you're in. This is when you'll learn to love and respect this incredible structure you get to call your own. I only wish we had known how perfect it was all along.
If I could give you one piece of advice, it would be to stop believing that people don’t like you. Stop thinking that you’re an outcast and that people don’t understand you. Stop wishing you were cooler, thinner or funnier. The people that make you feel like you aren’t good enough won’t last in your life, so maybe now is a good time to let them go and save yourself the heartache. Please embrace the imperfect authentic you that is inside, by constantly aiming to please everyone else, you’re pushing away the people that will love you for everything you really are and really believe in. You don’t need to get ‘in’ with the cool crowd, you need to get in with yourself and find acceptance there first.
I’m proud that you never gave in to snorting white powders or taking pills from strangers. There will be times when you consider it, because you think people will like you more, but you’re stronger than that and that strength will continue to grow. As you get older people will stop thinking it’s ‘strange’ that you don’t like to drink and they will praise you for your health and glow. The things you do that make you feel alone now are the things that you and your future husband have in common, it’s these morals you share that bond you and this guy will accept you and love you for everything you are and have ever been.
The migraines will get less intense, less often and more manageable. You won’t be like this forever and please stop contemplating chopping off your head, it’s not a reasonable option and you’re going to need that brain later on. You will function normally, you’ll make it through days, weeks and sometimes months with no attacks. All the pain now is leading to you finding something bigger, a way to heal more than just the pain but your whole body and your life. It may not seem worth it now, but it’s happening for a reason.
Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t tell you to study earlier or stop eating the foods that are poisoning your body and delivering you these debilitating migraines, because without the road blocks you wouldn’t have detoured and found your natural rhythm and flow.
I have such gratitude for everything you’ve been through and all you have ahead. If I could actually send this letter back to you I would hope you would read it and like the person you’ve become. Maybe you wouldn’t understand me completely yet, but inside something would resonate.
Keep doing it all, be you and be strong.