Tears, Fears and a Massive Release
In December of 2014, I wrote myself a letter in Evernote. I outlined how the year had gone down, what I was feeling about the big rocks in my life - motherhood, my husband and my business. I also pulled 12 Doreen Virtue Angel Cards, one for each month of the year ahead.
I haven’t looked at that letter all year, but this morning I sat on my laptop, opened Evernote and there it was.
My 2015 intentions.
The story that follows will show you exactly WHY documenting your thoughts, intentions and plans for the future is the absolute magic trigger to manifesting exactly what needs to happen in your life. Even if you forget that you even wrote it down.
Let’s start at the middle, with an entry from my personal journal -
“There I was. In the Shala, sitting on a bolster, eyes closed and tears streaming silently down my face. I was drenched in it all. The salty tears, the pain, the relief. It was washing over me in a way that I never could have possibly imagined. I had let go, FINALLY, of the fear. Just because it hurts, doesn’t mean it will break"
Three weeks ago, when I wrote this, I was at my second Zen Soul Life Retreat at Shambala in Byron Bay.
I had been before. I had walked through those wooden doors, into what can only be described as a dream retreat haven, to do the inner work I thought needed to be done. But the first time I did this retreat in May (just two weeks before my first hospitalisation), I let my ego completely lead the way. My beautiful soul knew what I needed, I still have the piece of paper with my first retreat intention - Figure out what is blocking my heart. This was before I even knew my heart was going to literally break two weeks later. I wrote this intention in the thought that I needed to open my heart further to others. I felt like I needed to release something. That feeling when you want to cry but it just doesn’t come.
But I had taken that first retreat as a chance to do two things - rejuvenate and relax while helping others. I was so hell bent on improving the lives of every single person around me that I stubbornly refused to go deep enough into my own stuff. Seriously typical of a Libra. I was at a retreat created to help people look INSIDE and I was still externalising and putting my effort into others, in order to ignore whatever it was that was stuck inside of me.
So two weeks later when my heart malfunctioned, I should’ve known it was a message. Countless people told me, there is a bigger reason for this happening than you think. I thought long and hard about it during my week in hospital. I journaled, I spoke to my soul sisters about it. But everything only ‘sort of’ made sense.
Feeling as though I was mostly recovered, despite my lack of energy and motivation to live the best and most authentic way I knew possible, I signed on for another retreat. Because the thought of yoga and meditation and beach time was probably what I needed.
Boy, was I wrong.
I walked into Shambala this second time with light expectations. I’ll rest, read, stretch and connect. I’ll come home rejuvenated because a weekend of no responsibilities is exactly what every toddler parent needs once in a while. But after being there for only a few hours, after a nap and a thai massage, I found myself already releasing in a way I did not see coming. We were sitting in a circle, having our retreat Opening Ceremony and speaking about intentions for the weekend. Before I could even think the words slipped out of my mouth -
“I’m not living authentically, I need to come home to me so that I can really heal"
It hit me like a truck. Thoughts began swirling around my head. Ego thoughts. Words like fraud and failure were circling and I didn’t know it but it was the beginning of my complete release of the pain from the last year. We left the intention circle and did a little restorative yoga and I couldn’t help but notice a single tear roll down from my eye during shavasana.
I realised that I had responsibilities this retreat, but this time they were for me.
Let me break it down for you.
Not only am I a woman that is hell bent on changing the world, I’m also a nurturer and a Libra. Meaning that I will literally run myself dry to please those around me. This is a natural instinct that I have to fight against every single day. I’m also sensitive, any comment can be taken completely out of context and I end up feeling like I need to do more, be more. So I have to check myself every single day. I have to be strict on myself and make sure I take time to look after me.
When I had heart issues in May, I tried hard to rest. I did rest. But not as much as I needed to. Then when it all began to fall to pieces, I resorted to old habits to get through. I stopped putting love and passion into my cooking, I barely cooked compared to what feels right to me. I would always have an excuse not to go to yoga or a healing or mediation class. I blew people off. I couldn’t connect or even look people fully in the eyes sometimes because I was shutting myself completely off to anything that could heal me. I didn’t spend time on me which is the one thing I tell every single person who asks for my help to do.
I was a complete hypocrite. I didn’t practice what I preached. I didn’t practice anything. I didn’t even think about what I was grateful for daily.
I’m completely unsure as to why this happened. Maybe it was protection. During the retreat Madonna made a perfectly reasonable point -
“You were doing everything right and you still got sick. Maybe you feel like your body failed you and there was no point going on with it all"
What I failed to see is that the point wasn’t to give up. The point was to keep going and accept.
Which brings be back to now, reading over my intentions I set for this year. I ran my eyes down the list of months, next to them the corresponding Angel Cards I had pulled for them and there it was.
November - Acceptance.
A little further down the page, under my 2015 intentions -
"I want to open my heart up more to myself. Live authentically no matter what pulls me to break into my old ways. I need to make sure this is a year of taking care of me."
Coming into the end of 2015, a year which definitely had it’s highs and lows, I’m going to do exactly what I did this time one year ago - set my intentions. This time though, I’m going to put them somewhere that I will see them every single day. I’m going to put myself first and do the things I love and need to do. I’m going to live authentically to my truth, because when I do, I feel like I’m in flow and flow feels damn good.
And I’m going to continue to guide my clients, my tribe and my loved ones to live selfishly and a life full of authentic love and gratitude. But I’ll always, ALWAYS, be putting myself first.
I hope you can do the same.